Who am I?

Who am I? This question has been eating away at me for as long as I can remember…what is the fundamental truth that underpins life itself…who am I, what, and where the fuck am I? 

This gnawing line of questioning coupled with a feverish yearning for truth brought about a temporary but deeply profound awakening, an awakening that made the madness of every day life and its pursuits seem utterly pointless. 

I was travelling in Greece with a battered copy of Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now in my backpack and a heart full of yearning for something I intuitively knew existed deep inside, something more, something bigger, something true…

I’d unknowingly at the time brought myself into alignment with my desire to awaken and happened across Tolle’s book in a Dublin hostel, The Universe just doing its thing I guess…

The temporary awakening occurred one night on Kithira island outside my tent on the beach just in front of the ocean. The moon was up, the waves lapped gently against the shore line, there was no-one around. There I stood just passively observing the scene and the next thing I knew was ‘I’ was no longer there, I was the moon, the sea, the sand, the sounds and all of that was me. That was accompanied by a massive sense of peace, that I can’t to this day get my intellect around. I was completely and without effort in the moment with no sense of self, and that moment felt like eternity. This lasted maybe seconds or minutes, I don’t know. After it happened and ‘I’ was back I stood there gobsmacked wondering what the hell just happened.

Since that glimpse, that act of grace or whatever it was life hasn’t been the same, there were 2 or 3 other less deep temporary awakenings in the years after, one lasting about three days and the others only moments. There’s an ongoing massive internal dissatisfaction with life now, an itch that will not go away, an itch that’s been eating away at me ever since. It’s like there’s ink in the water now. Of recent months there’s been an awakening on an energetic level which I’ll go into as I blog, perhaps it’s Kundalini, I’m trying to not get hung up on labels. I’ve physically felt it move around my body, around my heart, head, arms and up and down my spine. It’s brought feelings of bliss, profound love, emptiness, openness, spaciousness, silence, confusion, the dredging up of past unhealed trauma and fear. For about three months now there’s been a massive reduction in mental noise, and a lessening sense of self which freaks me out a bit, it feels like there’s no one in, at least nothing solid.

Sometimes I feel close to something, or rather more it feels like my identity structure is dissolving to reveal something thats always been there, something beyond my stupid little intellect and ego structure, something beyond words. Moments of spaciousness pleasant emptiness seem to be opening up below the neck, above the neck feels empty with a certain dryness to it. It’s confusing. I don’t have a spiritual teacher to bounce off, only The Universe, my intuition, a big authentic desire to wake up and my life with all its ups and downs.

At this moment I’m not awake, I don’t have what I’d call a rigid practice and I’m not great at meditation. I’m learning as I go, and utterly winging it with a lot of help from The Universe. I feel that what I lack in a traditional practice I make up for in a really true authentic desire to find my true nature. This authentic desire seems to be manifesting what I need at the right time to help me make progress when I need it, be it a book, a synchronicity, a flash of insight, a dream with a message or whatever. I had a lucid dream a couple of nights ago, the first one in my life, that was pretty cool.

I won’t be able to rest until this quest is complete, until I know who I am for sure…..

I don’t really know why I want to write about this stuff, maybe it’s cathartic, maybe it could help others on their journeys, as I say I’m not sure but it feels right for now so I’ll go with it.

This blog is just my story…