Who am I?
Who am I? This question has been burning in my heart for about 13 years now. I had a profound but temporary spiritual awakening around 13 years ago whilst hitchhiking around Greece. I went to Greece with a battered copy of Eckhart Tolle’s ‘Power of Now’ in my backpack and a heart full yearning for something I intuitivley knew existed deep inside, something more, something bigger, something true, something that made sense to me. The yearning for truth started a little time before I found Eckhart’s book in a hostel dining room in Dublin. The universe just doing its thing I guess.
The temporary awakening occurred one night outside my tent on the beach just in front of the ocean, the moon was up, the waves lapped gently against the shore line, there was no-one around. There I stood just passively observing the scene and the next thing I knew was ‘I’ was no longer there, I was the moon, the sea, the sand, the sounds and all of that was me. That was accompanied by a massive sense of peace, that I can’t to this day get my intellect around. I was completely and without effort in the moment, and that moment felt like eternity. This lasted maybe seconds or minutes, I don’t know. After it happened and ‘I’ was back I stood there gobsmacked wondering what the hell just happened.
Since that glimpse, that act of grace or whatever it was life hasn’t been the same, there were 2 or 3 other less deep temporary awakenings in the years after, one lasting about three days and the others only moments. There’s an ongoing massive internal dissatisfaction with life now, an itch that will not go away, an itch that’s been eating away at me ever since. It’s like there’s ink in the water now. Of recent months there’s been an awakening on an energetic level which I’ll go into as I blog, perhaps it’s Kundalini, I’m trying to not get hung up on labels. I’ve physically felt it move around my body, around my heart, head, arms and up and down my spine. It’s brought feelings of bliss, profound love, emptiness, openness, spaciousness, silence, confusion, the dredging up of past unhealed trauma and fear. For about three months now there’s been a massive reduction in mental noise, and a lessening sense of self which freaks me out a bit, it feels like there’s no one in, at least nothing solid.
Sometimes I feel close to something, or rather more it feels like my identity structure is dissolving to reveal something thats always been there, something beyond my stupid little intellect and ego structure, something beyond words. Moments of spaciousness pleasant emptiness seem to be opening up below the neck, above the neck feels empty with a certain dryness to it. It’s confusing. I don’t have a spiritual teacher to bounce off, only The Universe, my intuition, a big authentic desire to wake up and my life with all its ups and downs.
At this moment I’m not awake, I don’t have what I’d call a rigid practice and I’m not great at meditation. I’m learning as I go, and utterly winging it with a lot of help from The Universe. I feel that what I lack in a traditional practice I make up for in a really true authentic desire to find my true nature. This authentic desire seems to be manifesting what I need at the right time to help me make progress when I need it, be it a book, a synchronicity, a flash of insight, a dream with a message or whatever. I had a lucid dream a couple of nights ago, the first one in my life, that was pretty cool.
I won’t be able to rest until this quest is complete, until I know who I am for sure…..
I don’t really know why I want to write about this stuff, maybe it’s part cathartic, maybe it could help others on their journeys, as I say I’m not sure but it feels right for now so I’ll go with it.
This blog is just my story…
Get new content delivered directly to your inbox.