Losing self, slowly but surely. I no longer connect with photo’s of myself, it’s like the images aren’t me somehow. I don’t really identify with them. So strange, I can’t really relate to the images as being me. No turning back, all I can do is surrender into completely new and bewildering territory.
I kinda see it as like being in a big room, with a big carpet on the floor, I’m stood on the carpet at one end, and the Absolute has a vice like grip of the carpet at the other end, slowly pulling me towards it. I’m frightened, grabbing hold of stuff, furniture, wall paintings, table legs and light switches. It’s all to no avail though, slowly being pulled into the unknown. There’s long gone teachers at the other end with the Absolute. Tony DeMello laughing with that radiant smile of his, he’s saying – Ha Ha!!! Come on you great big stupid ass!!! Just let go, all is well!! Marguerite Porete stands there slowly clapping her charred hands together as if to celebrate. I’m saying Jesus Christ!! What’s going on here! Just as I say it Jesus pops his head through the window saying – Hey you!!! I heard that!!! Sorry, Jesus. No offence, I’m just kinda confused with it all. My old blue flute playing friend Lord Krishna plays a melody as the madness of awakening unfolds. Lao Tzu says something about the ten thousand things, but I don’t remember what with all the brain fog. Bernadette Roberts says – It’s over, you’ve come too far now. Thanks. The two Saint Theresas'(of Avila and Liseux) flank a brown robed Meister Eckhart, all three of them can’t contain their laughter at my silly little struggle….
In many ways it’s a painful process, in many others it’s a beautiful one. And I’m learning that the thick soup of spiritual intellectualism and mind boggling spiritual theories can be boiled right down to one simple word – surrender.
It seems to be the key to victory on this journey, only there won’t be a victor waving a trophy about at the end.
There hasn’t been much energetic stuff happening recently, again the mind thinks somethings gone wrong because it continually wants assurance, it wants control. It want’s to be in charge. I dreamt the other night, I dreamt I was in my van it started to move of its own accord, I just lay on the floor of the van letting it be propelled by what ever force was propelling it. The relief of letting go was huge, fear crept in, I jumped up into the drivers seat and grabbed the wheel, the minute I did this everything went pear shaped and I crashed the van….
Truth Seeker 