Drunk Ants

It seems there is absolutely no linearity in the waking up process. I’m taking things as they come, some days i’m certain that i’m in the process of waking up, like totally certain. Other days i’m questioning my sanity and asking what the fuck is happening to me. No linearity, like drunk ants, here there, everywhere. I’m learning to gently let go into this hole that’s opened up inside me. The hole is where my sense of self once was. There hasn’t been much energetic stuff happening for a while now, however this week I’ve noticed mild blissful tingles in crown of my head along with some sensations in the heart area. It was the energetic happenings that brought about the certainty that there’s an awakening process taking place. It’s been a real arid period of a few months now.

That said, this week i had a beautiful few moments whilst working, i was driving and began notice these pleasant tinglings in the crown of my head and in my chest, i got out of the van to do my work and just observed the trees in the sunshine a sense of openness came in, I let go a little into this void and a knowing came in, a small knowing of something indescribable. The next day at work i was experiencing seething rage, like i said, drunk ants.

I’m still finding it hard being around people, i just want peace and quiet, solitude, time to myself (whatever myself is) to go into this stuff. It’s hard to relate to people now as there not much me left to be in relationship with them.

I’ve not written for a while, I’ve not had the inclination to do so, perhaps i should make the effort, a lot of my egoic drive has gone, it’s like the wind was pulled out of the windmill, the sails are still turning under their own momentum but they’re slowing down without the force of the winds of egoic wanting.