My lips move, sound comes out, words come out but I no longer know who is speaking them. It’s been a while since my last post, i haven’t had the interest. It feels like i’m in some kind of dark night phase, there isn’t really a lot of interest in much at the moment. It’s like all my previous emotion fuelled drives are slowly flickering out. I’ve been depressed in the past but his is different, it doesn’t feel like depression, it feels more like the energy i used to put into stuff is being withdrawn, the energy that kept the furnace burning of my ego’s wants and desires just isn’t there, it’s not totally gone a bit still remains. All this seems to be happening somewhere in the background, underneath the surface of every day talk talk mind.
I’m learning that the process of awakening is one of subtraction or deconstruction, one of negation. It feels like ‘I’ as I’ve always known my self will gain absolutely nothing on this journey, i’ll lose everything, everything that’s false will fall away. It is falling away, slowly but surely falling away. I’m not in the drivers seat anymore, the whole thing is no longer in my hands. Spirit, The Divine or whatever we want to call it is well and truly running the show. I’m not actively trying to let go of stuff, the stuff that used to define me. It’s falling away whether i want it to or not, it’s quite disorienting. All i can do is surrender to the process and let go into it all.
A couple of months ago i felt pleasant sensations in the throat area, like some work was being done to unblock stuff, these pleasant sensations were sometimes accompanied by white hot seething rage, rage that would come up from the murky depths, be let out and let go of. It feels like there isn’t much self left, one of the hardest things I’ve found is when the rage comes up, hardly a sense of self coupled with the strong energy of anger is quite alarming, at least for me it is.
Another difficulty is not really knowing where I’m going with all this, like a ship without a sail. I don’t have a map, or any bearings, just my intuition that i’m learning to trust more and more. These writings may be painting a stark picture, it’s not all heavy heavy heavy, i’m still feeling the pull of the silence inside, occasionally feeling a nice spaciousness in the body, and continually gobsmacked by the visual clarity that i see nature in. I’ll sometimes feel the pleasant sensations in the gut, these were happening almost daily for about 18 months but seem to have slowed right down, i felt a ton of pleasant energy in my body in bed a week ago, just little signs that there’s a process happening. I can feel from a deep place inside that i have to completely let go of everything, everything i thought to be true, if that’s what it takes then that’s what it takes….