Asylum being the world in which we all live, all us lunatics. Thinking we’re something cos we got a nice car, a big salary, fake tits, six pack abs etc etc…I’ve broken away from the herd now, I’m not better than the herd nor is the herd better than me, I just cant see my place in ‘regular’ society anymore. Ive always felt like an outsider but now even more so, I cant relate to the inane drivel that most people try and pass off as conversation. A blind man on a galloping horse can see that it’s fear that makes people talk, I wish they’d just shut the fuck up.
It’s like they’re scared of silence, silence seems to make people feel uncomfortable so, when people are together the silence has to be blotted out, it’s usually blotted out with talk of the weather, what a person had for their tea the night before, what the latest narcissistic politician just got way with. Anything but silence, I observe peoples body language when the inane drivel starts to flow, the body language is usually tight and guarded. It’s like, ok, we don’t like silence so, like always, and because it’s easier we’ll blot it out with pointless small talk, but as the small talk jaw starts a wagging the body language betrays the emotion that is really going on inside – fear.
People will talk about absolutley anything for hours, days, weeks, months and years of their lives other than what’s really going on inside. Why are people so afraid? Why am I so afraid? What he fuck are we all afraid of? – Here’s a selfie of me in Thailand, or look everyone I got the job, or look what I made, or I’m fucking crazy I can drink ten pints, or I just nailed a big jump on the bike, or I just ran 10k I’ll now bladder it all over social media, It’s all just a big act, at our core we’re all fucking shit scared. The more I look the more I see it in people, but most importantly is the fact that the more I look the more I see it in myself, it’s dwindling away slowly. Its slowly and painfully oozing out of me, the need to prove myself is on the wane. There’s a big sense of self in these people pleasing antics….
This is where the process gets tricky for me, with the lessening and lessening need to prove myself comes a lessening desire to do the stuff I used to do, because a lot of the things I used to do were hinged on securing peoples praise, love and approval. And a lot of the things I used to do made up a big part of my sense of self. It’s just not there now, or no where near as much.
One of the hardest and most valuable lessons I’ve learned is to turn the attacking of others faults inward as an enquiry into me, perhaps not to attack myself but to see if the stuff I see as negative in other people is in me too. Its takes honesty and guts to look at the most selfish person I know and say yes, that trait is in me too. The sneaky one? Yes, that too. All the ugly stuff I see in others is inside me to varying degrees, sometimes just the kernel of sneakiness, a big wall of jealousy, anger, the ‘poor me’ syndrome, the sulker, all of it, all of it is in me. It’s like looking in a mirror. Observing others ‘faults’ and enquiring inwards to find those faults in me is a great leveller. When I look at the emotions I just listed I see fear at the heart of every one of them, it’s that fear I think we try to hide with reams and reams of pointless conversation.
I’m forty five years old now, I don’t have a career, no goals, no aspirations (other than waking up, everything else just seems pointless) no sense of direction in life, I’m working a job I don’t really like and feel at a place with the Kundalini brain fog and confusion where I cant really be making any longterm plans. I feel like a rudderless ship, totally lost, totally confused, separate from mainstream society, on my own, no teacher, no guru. It’s just me trying to get some answers to life’s bigger questions. Writing has been difficult tonight, I’ve a massive head cold, that coupled with brain fog and a dwindling sense of self makes me a dull boy, a dull boy that’s willing to put his sanity and life on the line to find truth.
Over and out.