So I’m feeling at the moment that I’m going though an ego death, either that or I’m going stark raving mad. It’s weird, it really feels like a massive chunk of me has just gone. A lot of my drives aren’t here now, a massive part of my identity was that of the musician, all my mates know me as a musician, it’s something I’ve done for nearly 25 years. It’s something I enjoyed massivley most of the time.
I’ve not sat and meditated on surrendering the musician part of me as I hardly meditate probably due to spending most of my life in fight or flight, I just cant sit still. I’ve not walked around surrendering the musician part of me it’s just gone. There’s other drives that have gone as well which might be nice to talk about later. It doesn’t feel like a depression where disinterest in stuff might come in, it feels like stuff, stuff that I drew a massive sense of self from has disappeared. There’s a gaping hole right in the middle of me.
So yeah the synchronicity, I have an account on a dating site which I still occasionally visit, I don’t know why as I don’t feel I could form any kind of relationship at the moment. I feel like I’ve been blown apart. But maybe out of old habit I checked my profile to find out I’d been ‘liked’ by a lady that is an embalmer, hmmm….this is the gospel truth, the next night I went on the dating app and was casually swiping through profiles to find another lady that is an embalmer. Thats two profiles on two nights with two ladies that just happen to be embalmers that came into my awareness as I’m going through what I think is an ego death. Perhaps it’s just a bizarre coincidence, I’m open to that too but really what are the odds? And if it is a synchronicity, Universe are you having a fucking laugh or what!!!! I’m going through hell at the moment, falling apart at he seams. I’m laughing now, I laughed too when it happened. Jed Mckenna said the Universe is like a big playful puppy, maybe he’s right.
There’s been quite a few other little synchronicities lately, stuff that’s probably trivial, but still stood out as I don’t know, odd, unusual, wtf moments.
I remember around last April shortly after the shit hit the fan going for a walk, my head up my ass, I’d lay on the sofa around mid day quite scared of everything that was happening I dozed off and got to that point where your not quite asleep and not quite awake, the bit where everything feels a bit fluffy. So I got to the fluffy bit and felt like I was plunged into a very deep silence, like some kind of void, not mystical or cosmic just a deep deep silence. In the silence I saw very clearly that I was on top of a huge brick wall of biblical proportions, like the top of this wall was in the fucking sky. Down the side of this wall from the top there were a small number of steps. No where near enough steps to get down to the ground – which I couldn’t see. I felt from a deep place that I was being asked to jump, as this was happening I could feel a powerful surge of blissful love energy in my chest, Kundalini? The dream startled me awake, as I awoke I could still feel the energy in my chest, I couldn’t move a muscle. I couldn’t feel my body just the energy. After a minute or two I was able to move and the fear set in rapidly, ‘what the fuck is happening to me’ I thought.
I threw my shoes on got out of the house and headed for the hills, nervous system in fight or flight. As got out of the suburb and into the hills I began to notice an amazing presence of bliss in my heart area, my walking pace slowed right down, I was also breathing from the gut, I took in the surroundings in a calm manner. I remember sitting down for a minute just taking it all in really enjoying this beyond pleasant experience. After sitting for a short while I carried on walking, the area I was walking in is kinda on two elevations, amazing panoramic views from both levels. I’ve walked up there many many times and never usually go to the highest point where there’s a historical monument standing. But for some reason that day I decided to go right to the top. I reached the top out of breath and took in the amazing view, there I stood in the longish grass, I looked down at my feet and saw something glistening. I bent down to see what it was, I put my hand into the grass and pulled out a small golden chain of crucifixes. I picked it up quite startled at what I’d found, it made me happy, I couldn’t fucking believe it to be honest. I walked home with it in my hand, the blissful feelings had gone.
That night I went upstairs with the little chain and cried my heart out, it was the first time in my life that I felt unconditionally loved.