Blood And Snot

I’ve not been here for a while, stuff’s still happening, the energy is still moving around, it still feels like there’s no one in. Pretty much the last three months have been spent working away from home, I was around some great people but struggled a lot with not having my own time. I’ve spent the last three weeks at home for Christmas. This has given me the time to try and go into this silent void that’s opened up, I’m finding that trying to be in the nothingness brings in a shit load of fear. It’s quite perplexing, it really feels like a big chunk of ‘me’ has gone, it feels like it’s gone for good and it feels like I couldn’t turn back now even if I wanted to.

I’ve really had the sense for a while now that something else has taken over, that the journey is no longer in my hands and it’s no longer about what I want. It’s beyond my control which is quite frightening in some ways, there’s definitely a sense of gratitude for what’s happening and a massive feeling that I’m losing my mind. It’s like a massive hole has been blasted out of my ‘me’ centre. A hole that cant be patched up, strange. A lot of my past drives have gone, stuff that I really thought of as ‘me’. This brings up fear. It feels like I’m disappearing into nothing. There’s been a massive upheaval of emotion over the last couple of weeks, I tried going into the silence a couple of nights ago and panicked. I had to get out of the house, I jumped in the van early evening and drove to the beach town in the tipping rain. I don’t think I’ve ever cried from a deeper place than I did that night driving, I felt at my absolute wits end, all the hurt coming up, the past trauma, all the fear. I felt I’d rather be dead than to feel that way, it was like massive grief, a longing to be loved, to love without fear and the despair at everything that’s been happening over the last few months, it was a proper cry, a string of saliva hanging off my bottom lip and touching my knee kinda cry, like molten lead coming up and out of me, I was saying through the tears from a very deep place ‘I cant do it, I can’t do it anymore. The crazy part is that as I was driving with all the tears and absolute emotional upheaval I could feel this blissful/love energy in my gut, what in the absolute fuck is that all about?

I got to the beach town, got out of the van put my headphones on and walked through the rain, around the boating lake, up and down the main shopping street and around the town centre. I was soaking wet. I feel like I let go of something that night, as I walked it felt like I was starting to let go of the spiritual journey, probably out being absolutley obliterated by it if nothing else and having no choice. I really felt and thought from a deep place that the whole thing can just fuck right off, all the teachings, all the teachers, all the wisdom quotes, all the ‘like and subscribe’ Youtube channels, God, The Divine, What Ever It Is. It was like a massive deep disinterest came in, like dangling a worm in front of a sleeping fishes face, not out of a want to give up the search for truth but more from a place of, I don’t know really just a shoulders down surrender from a place of I can’t do it.

After this defeat, which I feel is really what’s happening to ‘me’ I went and sat by the boating lake under a shelter out of the rain, there was a feeling of calm openness in my body, a feeling of energetic bliss in my gut and a night drive home through the rain waiting for me….

I look out on peaceful lands with no war near by, an ocean of shaking hands that grab at the sky….

Neil Young