It feels like I’ve lost a massive sense of my self, like it’s vanished. I was at the beach town on a sunny day about a week and a half ago, I walked up the pier in the winter sun and it literally felt like there was no inside me, to the point that I didn’t even know what was making me walk or what was propelling me. It feels like someone took a big spoon, put it in the top of my head and scooped ‘me’ out. Such a bizarre, confusing and perplexing experience, it feels like a lot of egoic will has gone, it brings up fear…
A fear of going mad, I think what brings up the most fear is a lack of control over what’s happening, if it weren’t for the energetic stuff that’s been happening I’d be sure as hell I was losing it. I’m still not a hundred per cent convinced, time will tell I guess.
It feels like most of the kundalini stuff has been happening in the gut, blissful feelings down there. I sat the other night in a chair feeling quite scared whilst simultaneously feeling bliss in the gut while all along there was no sense of ‘me’ that these things were happening to, it’s a bit nuts. I noticed a lot of physical heat in the gut a couple of days ago whilst walking in nature. I’m also starting to notice now quite a big interior silence inside when I’m alone in nature, it’s happened a couple of times in the last week. Like if I stop and just stand for a few moments this interior silence comes up, it feels like quite a relief from the catastrophic thinking patterns that are here about me going crazy. All the stuff I used to like on YouTube, music, spirituality, documentaries etc now just sound like an absolute racket, I’m intuitively feeling that I need to spend time in silence, which might mean meditation which I’m shit at doing.
One of the things i’m finding difficult at the moment is being around people, if i didn’t have to interact with anyone i wouldn’t for the time being. But i have to, i still need to work and run the house, i can’t tell my landlord that i think i’m waking up and need some time out. Fear comes up when i’m around people about this lack of a sense of self, i start wondering if they’re noticing that there’s not much of a ’me’ inside me. Or if i seem different, or if they think i’m crazy. I wonder if they know….
There’s been a little mild psychic stuff, really small premonitions/dreams of stuff that’s happened a day or two later. I’ve also started to notice pressure in the evenings sometimes in my forehead, according to the writings of Bonnie Greenwell PHD(for me, one of the only trustworthy sources of info on kundalini awakening out there as she interviewed over 3,000 people going through kundalini awakening)this could be a sign of ego dissolution. I lay in silence the other night and started to drift off and saw right in my third eye Ramana Maharshi with a big brown eye in the centre of his forehead. It helps me to write this stuff, it maybe reassures me as there’s been quite a lot of spiritual stuff happening. I know I’m not there yet, and I might go crazy on the way but there really is no going back from where I’m at at this moment. If it is God/Spirit/The Divine that’s got me in it’s grips I’ll tell you this for nothing it’s absolutely relentless, it’s definitely saying this isn’t about me anymore, it feels like this is Gods will now, I’m confused as hell, scared, worried about what’s happening and all the while it continues like a weight pressing me down into surrender.