I’m learning now to go into this silence that seems to be unfolding in me, it’s about the only thing that makes any sense at the moment. There was a synchronicity a few days ago that pointed at this beckoning silence, it feels like I’m being drawn or sucked into it somehow, there’s quite a big repulsion against spirituality/teachings happening, like if I ever hear the phrase ‘we’re all one’ or ‘you’re already that which you are seeking’ or ‘just be’ or whatever I’ll run at the wall and just head butt it. It feels like the spiritual teachings are now a big disturbance to this silence, it feels like all my other interests are a big disturbance to this silence, I’m aware I try to distract myself from it, it feels like to sit in silence is a waste of time and very non productive but it feels like big sheets of ice colliding against each other inside me when I try to distract myself from this silence. Strange. I lay in this quiet a couple of days ago with my eyes closed and saw an eye looking back at me. Gods eye? The great Christian mystic Meister Eckhart once wrote years ago – the eye with which I see God is the same eye as which God sees me.
So, hardly any sense of self, a massive chunk of egoic drive/will seems to have vaporised, energetic phenomena happening, visual senses massively heightened, third eye activity, lots of synchronicity’s and a few small psychic happenings. Am I imagining all this? Is this what waking up feels like? There’s a tonne of confusion. I really don’t know…..It’s hard to watch people, my friends going about their lives, playing gigs, socialising, setting goals, getting somewhere, going out on dates and all the other normal stuff. I feel like I’m not a part of the world at the moment, I can’t engage in stuff that I used to engage in. The supermarket is a challenge, let alone a solo gig in a rowdy bar. I used to be so confident as a performer, I’ve walked onto a busy town centre precinct countless times in the past with a guitar and amplifier, turned it on, turned it up full blast, hammered out three or four hours of music and gone home completely un phased with money in my pocket. I feel pretty fucking useless at the moment. Turning down invitations to social events, getting tagged on social media for gigs but turning them down. It’s a lonely journey.