I’ve felt a massive sense of spaciousness in the body today, like my body is empty or something. Fear comes in as there’s not much of a sense of self…so confusing and beautiful at the same time. The emptiness feels light inside in a not heavy kinda way.
I’m lay on the couch now, I can feel fear in my body, I’ve felt childhood emotional trauma come up through the emptiness, I can feel it now. The fear of abandonment, the anxiety, the clinging child. I have to give these emotions space to be there, can’t run from them or affirm them away. All I can really do is give them space and watch them. Some childhood memories coming up, not necessarily bad traumatic stuff, sometimes the memories are of what certain rooms felt like in the house I grew up in. Others are the atmosphere’s of places outdoors where I played as a child. They just seem to come up. Ears are still ringing. A few months ago on two consecutive nights at around 7pm I was in the house here cooking and it felt like I was in the foster carers house when I was 5 years old. Those were painful emotions, desolate, lost, abandoned, scared.
I can’t pick up a spiritual book to distract myself from this stuff, I can’t piss about on social media and pretend it’s not there. Gotta move through it as it comes without the desire to get rid of it. Experiencing it, standing toe to toe with it feels like the only way through.