I had a vivid dream a few nights ago, in the dream I was in a room kneeling in front of an open log fire. The fire spat out burning embers on to the carpet, scared, I tried to put out the embers. As I was patting them with my hands more embers shot out to the other side of the room, I ran to them to try and put them out. As I got near them more embers shot out a distance away from me. More and more embers shooting out all over the carpet. I was frantically running around the room like an idiot trying to control what was happening. Backward and forwards getting no where. The embers were hitting the walls, the wall paper was smouldering. Another log fire appeared in a wall behind me shooting out more embers. The more I tried to control it, the less control I had, so worked up so stressed. This way and that. So much fear and exhaustion, manic.
If I look at my own life, there’s the wanting control things absolutely everywhere in it. I try to control everything. What people think of me, like I could even get close to controlling that. I’m trying to control the spiritual journey, trying to get it to go where I want it to go. The fear of no self is a big one, a fear of losing control of my destiny. Death is another, that feels like the ultimate loss of control. Plus the myriad other little things I try to control in everyday life.
Jed McKenna likened it to spinning plates, our lives spent running around like idiots trying our damndest to keep these plates spinning and not dropping. All our life force pumped into keeping up appearances, into controlling outcomes. Let the fuckers drop. All of them. Thy will be done, not mine.
I’m starting to notice and learn that there’s no ‘doing’ in surrender, that doing surrender is like some kind of control mechanism. Like if I surrender then I’ll gain this that or the other. More control. It’s feels more like a just stopping or allowing than a doing. Stopping with no desired outcome. I’m learning. It feels like when I get it right that I feel it in my body, breathing just becomes a bit deeper and more natural. It feels like surrender is the only way to peace.
I know I have to sit in that room from the dream, let go, and let it burn to a pile of ash with ‘me’ in it….
The thought of this brings up more fear that I have to face and move through.