I’ve mentioned previously that I’m starting to notice an internal silence, this is still prevalent and continuing. It’s almost palpable sometimes. It feels like some kind of silent void is hoovering me in, I feel a bit scared of going into it. It’s like I’ll disappear or something, I already feel like I’m disappearing in a way. My sense of self is diminishing, there’s still loads of old emotional trauma coming up, lots of tears. Still lots of energetic bliss in the gut area, trauma being released from the body.
It seems that every spiritual teacher, sage, guru, holy man and woman from ancient past to present day have spoke about this silence, I’m intuitively getting the feeling that the silence is the gateway in to peace, but, I cant take myself in there to enjoy the peace if that makes sense? It feels like no ‘me’ equals peace/silence. Perplexing. I notice it when out walking, I can feel it now when I pause typing. It’s enticing me in, like a gentle silent vortex, it feels like it has a loving quality to it.
I remember a couple of weeks ago having a busy day running errands, I was driving about here and there in the van with the stereo on, I pulled the van onto the car park and turned off the engine which also turns off the stereo. Literally as soon as I turned off the engine I noticed a tangible silence inside me and around me, it was like the stereo had never been on, like I hadn’t been running around all day. There’s still brain fog, I’m still having trouble remembering stuff.
What a journey, it blows my mind when I think about it, it feels like the energetic opening which became prevalent last March is till happening, it’s quite gentle now. I’ve felt moments when my heart was opening, lovely moments, I cling to these openings when they’re not there, I think I’m doing something wrong when they aren’t happening. I feel like I should be doing more, more spiritual stuff but as previously mentioned there’s now a disinterest in spirituality coming in. I’ve researched this and it’s all part of the awakening process. There’s a disinterest in pretty much anything at the moment, it feels like there’s just a kinda silence inside that needs to be really honoured in a way, experienced or gone in to. The spiritual quest alone requires a massive in-pouring of emotional energy, loads of striving, yearning and desiring has been pumped into this by me for years, but I’m slowly reaching a point of ‘I can’t do it’. Not in a can’t be bothered kind of way, but more of a shoulders down, I’m being beat into surrender kind of way. I’m learning that there isn’t a single thing ‘I’ can do to attain the goal of truth/self realisation. It’s beating me, hands down it’s beating me, it feels like this is how it works. I read a line from a renowned spiritual teacher – ‘The price of truth is everything’ When I fist read that I didn’t fully understand fully what it meant. I’m of a mind now to say for myself and through my own experience of this journey that this is the case. Everything including the quest itself has to be completely let go of in order to get to peace/truth. Bugger.
Everything I drew a sense of self from has to go. None of it can remain.